Reflecting on 5 Years married- Its changed!

Half a decade of marriage. 5 whole years. This anniversary seems way more significant than I realised and its no different to any other as we survive another year just as we have done before but we are celebrating the milestone this year with time away on our own (unheard of)

 Im not sure when I took my vows how much importance they had, at that moment I was in love with only my husband, I had no other people occupying that space. My whole heart was his! We were selfish, and rightly so may I add. We enjoyed each others company and although things probably seemed a little stressful at the time (I laugh when I admit that as we clearly had no clue that our lives were virtually stress free) we had very little that could stand in the way of our happiness.  Time together was endless, plans could be made at the drop of a hat, holidays were frequent, social lives were bursting and no one else shared our bed (and bank balance)

Looking back now I can't help but be a little jealous of that couple, thats not because they were childless but simply because they had all the ingredients for a perfect relationship. Theres no denying that marriage/relationships are harder when you make that decision to become a family and yes it was our choice to become parents but entering that unknown realm comes at a cost of the relationship you've only ever known. Your relationship takes on a whole new dimension and wither you choose to admit it suddenly your number 1 love takes the number 2 slot, its not intentional but it just kind of happens! This new little person suddenly takes over your whole world, both of you have to accept that nothing will ever be the same again. Its amazing and Its true that I never truly knew how much I loved my Husband until I saw him love our children but maintaining our own level of love becomes increasingly harder. 

I think its easy to assume (because social media paints a perfect picture most the time) that no one else has these struggles, of course no one wants to air dirty laundry but you don't hear people talking openly about missing their partners company, longing for a date night or just an early night for that matter for the fear of judgment. I know I have in the past not wanted to be tarnished as a bad parent for declaring I wanted to spend time with my husband and not my kids, but sometimes I do want time as a pair and not a tribe! If anything I think lusting after alone time just shows how much time and energy you dedicate to your children and not your own personal relationship, forever putting your needs last as a parent and ignoring that your long over due a good giggle with your other half (which will probably end up being you both looking at pictures of the babies anyway)

Me & Daniel met when we were 14 and 16, we started dating a few months afterwards and we are so lucky to have an amazing collection of memories together over the past almost 15 years, often if we are overwhelmed with life, feeling tired, stressed etc and taking it out on each other we will try and remind ourselves of those times but that is easier said than done when dealing with all the trials and tribulations of parenthood.

My body has housed 2 children, confidence can at times be low, does he still find me attractive? Daniel works 6 days a week, I know he questions if this is the right thing for us. Theres always doubts, even if they are the smallest of doubts so small that they feel insignificant, I think there will ALWAYS be something that could stand in the way but its remembering that THIS time right here is one of the hardest times we will face. Its late nights and early mornings, babies attached to hips and ankles, date nights come in the shape of the local drive through, working as hard as possible to provide the best life for the ones you love. In the midsts of this I am guilty for forgetting about him. I forget that my partner needs reminding just how much I love and appreciate him because once upon a time I told him frequently! We are a team and although sometimes I just want him to pack his bags and head to his mums for a few nights Im not sure I could function without him. 

If you can relate to this then know your not alone! It doesn't mean you don't love your life, it doesn't mean you don't adore your children, I don't regret one single thing and the fact that I get to wake up with 2 little people that we created almost 15 years after we met is the most beautiful feeling in the world but its OK to lust after some time as it was before. Try and celebrate those milestones if you can because you are both doing a bloody great job at keeping little people alive! 

 

Happy 5 years married Mr Gray, what an amazing/challenging/glorious/difficult 5 years its been. I STILL want to grow old with you!

Happy 5 years married Mr Gray, what an amazing/challenging/glorious/difficult 5 years its been. I STILL want to grow old with you!

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Ainsley GrayComment