6 months, I'm not ready yet.
I'm not the first and I sure as hell wont be the last mama to bang on about how fast time fleets, I say this with the full knowledge that I'm ticking all cliche boxes in this blog post, blah blah blah... but It feels different second time round. It was emotional the first time round don't get me wrong, but I always knew we would have at least one more baby so with every goodbye to a 'first' there was less pressure on our parting I guess. Unknowingly at the time with each milestone we reached or every new achievement I was encouraging I was blissfully unaware that soon my heart would ache to relive each and everyone. There's always a next time though right? So what happens if there's no next time. Here I am with a beautiful baby girl, my second baby of which I'm sure managed to press the fast forward button when she left my body because we approach the half way point any day now, 6 months and half way to no longer being a baby.
I'm the eldest of three, I have a little sister and brother. Three is the magic number apparently and for as long as I can remember Ive pictured my life with 3 babies, a mum of three that's the dream. I'm incredibly lucky to have had 2 perfect pregnancies, no trouble to conceive, minus one difficult labour we have sailed along now for over 3 years growing our family. When our yellow bump turned pink, Daniel said in the labour room (Olive only minutes old) "Ains I feel so complete, this is it isn't it? Our family's complete! Do you feel complete?" Of course I did, I had a brand new pink fleshy little girl in my arms, we were suddenly fulfilling the perfect stereotype family, Dad, Mum, Big Brother and Little Sister. So I answered "Yes, yes I do!" and I still do, I feel complete each time I stare into the eyes of both my children but (and there is the but) Im not sure I will ever feel 'done' with Weeing on that stick, Pregnancies, birth, that newborn bubble, the naming, family piling round, learning about a brand new life, their hair and eyes, who they look like, there traits and characteristics. The list goes on, but all that I cant accept I might never do again is stopping me from fully admitting to myself that I need to inhale Olive harder than I already am. I'm not ready yet, I need more time and I don't have it!
I'm not ready for her not to be beside me each morning, I'm not ready to have another empty crib that goes into the loft. I'm not ready to keep seeing those numbers on her sleepsuit creep up and up. I'm certainly not ready for crawling let alone walking. I'm not ready for weaning to progress into 3 meals a day until she starts to steal food from my plate, I am just not ready yet! Its making me crazy emotional all the time, In fact Ive been close to tears as I type this because I honestly have never felt an emotion like it, It's overwhelming and its consuming me up each day! Hormones are most definitely stronger the second time that is for sure! Its this 6 month milestone that has sent me all whappy, our Snuzpod is almost outgrown, we are almost sleeping all the way through the night, so we are almost ready for that god awful transition to her own room. That transition is the defying moment for me, its defying the end of an era and I know I'm being a dramatic overbearing mother because shes in the next room for christ sake and she will barley be changing any other aspects of her day to day life but Its a personal symbol for me.
Call me crazy but I keep thinking about the future, much more with her than I did with Oaks. Ive decided to put it down to her being a little girl, I was a little girl once and I can relate. Shes only 6 months but as a 6 month old Oaks was sturdy, strong and untouchable almost. He was way past being a baby before he should of been, sat up early, walked early, he wasn't a baby for long. Olive is small, delicate and I feel this huge urge to wrap her up in cotton wool and refuse her to grow for even another second. Knowing the pace and its speed just means this time I'm struggling to keep up even more, I should be prepared though right?! Experience makes us wise, but In my motherhood experience so far, the more and more I learn the more and more I fall deeper and deeper In love. In return the harder and harder I'm taking on the changes that are occurring.
So the future, it makes me nervous. Boys, they can be mean. Scrap that, girls are mean too. Her first fall out, her first broken heart, her first monthly visit from mother nature. The first time she questions her reflection or admires to be like someone from a magazine. Shes a girl and sometimes being a girl feels like it carries the weight of the world, I know this, I was a young girl too. Everything I teach her even from now Is shaping her into being the young girl she will become Its an immense sense pressure but an honour.
Although Ive not given this too much thought I think this is what makes me even more eager to keep her little, reserve her innocence as much as I can, whilst I still can. Take her to dance lessons, learn all the words to her favourite boyband and be as involved as I can. If she ever asks me why I hug her that tightly each time she leaves the house or why I ask so many questions about her personal life, I will tell her Its because 'I know whats coming.'